when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
