Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
