you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
