I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
