Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
