four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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