i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
