Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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