the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
