i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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