It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
