He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
