We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
there is glitter all over my balls
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
