I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
