she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
