Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
