I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
