My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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