It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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