I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We got so high we made milksteak
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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