I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
