Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
