Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
