My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
