so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
