anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
