He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
