My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So apparently I’m into choking now
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
