Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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