I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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