You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
