ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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