my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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