Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
