I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
