Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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