Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She made me pour olive oil on her.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
