I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I will be naked everywhere
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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