I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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