I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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