and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
