I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he thought i was a dude.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
