I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
sex in a hospital.. check
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
