Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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