I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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