im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
