You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
