Someone shit on the floor
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
