I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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