If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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