My liver just broke up with me...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
