Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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