Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
