he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
