your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm too high and old for this...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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