you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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