I'm so fucking centered right now
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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