You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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