apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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