im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
