I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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